If you maybe want to be my boyfriend with an official title and maybe want to have Sunday brunches with me until forever, and not end up somewhere in The  Of course I’ll call you (two weeks from never) Zone, keep the following standards in mind.  I carry this list around in my head, so if you want to know what I’m thinking, here it is:

1.  You are a living, breathing human being.  Unless you are a super hot vampire/werewolf/wizard.  Just kidding.  Why wouldn’t you think I was kidding? Shut up. (-The Frenemy)

2.  You are clear that we are on a date.  Yes, that means you pay for the first one.  Other signs of being on a date:  Open doors, let me order first (*extra points if you order for me) and do other chivalrous stuff.  Touch me! Brush my arm, grab my hand, escort me in front of you by my lower back.  You know the drill, right?

3.  You have a dog and take excellent care of it.  Understand that when I cometo your house I will have to hug, pet and make baby voices at it.  Probably before I hug and make smoochie faces at you. (*people who don’t like animals don’t have hearts).

4.   You have nice hands.  They don’t need to be perfectly manicured with buffed shiny nails, but for Pete’s sake, scrape the dirt out from under your nails.  What are you, 10?

5.  You are more decisive than me.  I would even be ok with something bordering on telling me what to do.   “We are going to Blue Grotto tonight and I will pick you up at 8.”  I’m too indecisive…I don’t even want to say I’m not sure.

6.  You roll your eyes at my ridiculous love of boybands, but still buy me tickets to go to their concert.

7.  You are taller than me when I wear my tallest heels and you probably workout.  But you do not have washboard abs or super cut muscles.  Both are not attractive and no good for snuggling me.

8.  You are hilarious.  Ever wonder how Seth Rogan and other chubby pothead schlubs get cute girls?  They make us LAUGH! (*disclaimer – I will not date a chubby pothead schlub, but a sense of humor still garners major points).

9.  You do not call me Babe, Baby (but also don’t put me in the corner), Honey, or any other uncreative lame petname.

10.  You know more about sports than me.  I will call your manhood into question if you do not.

11.  You are employed in a stable job with some level of skill required.  Preferably a “career” type job.

12.  You are aware of current events including politics.  You have an opinion on both, and are able to disagree without being rude.

13.  You buy me things.  It doesn’t have to be the Hope Diamond, but probably buy me a cute teddy bear and some flowers and take me out to a show.

14.  TIP WELL TIP WELL TIP WELL!

15.  You probably do not know how to skateboard or hackey sack and do notown an extensive collection of band/vulgar sayings t-shirts.

16.  You are slightly indifferent towards me.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it’s my thing.  Nice guys make me want to throw rice and other tasteless things at your boring button down shirt while I walk all over you.  Grow a pair!

17.  You have good fashion sense which includes not wrinkled classy clothes, which match.  And clean socks.  And you wear a belt when you need, otherwise I will need to depants you in public, followed by us never going out on a date again.

18.  You make me giggle and swoon and want to talk about you to my friends all the time about how handsome and good you are.

19.  You like me and you call me and you’re not a fucking jerk!

This was written FOREVER ago, but still remains true. 

Yes, I am a young republican, and no, it’s not because my dad would kill me if I wasn’t. I just happen to agree with him.

First, I feel no sense of social responsibility to the masses. Not financially, not medically, nothing…it’s not my job to save the world.

Everyone cannot, should not, and will not be equal. It’s been proven time and time again that Communism does not work. Communist produced products are poor quality. What incentive does anybody in such a country have to work? Better yet, what incentive do they have to work well? NONE.

Everyone should (and does) have the opportunity to succeed in life. I mean, we do have “The American Dream.” It is there for a reason. Yes, some people have it easier than others. Sure, I wish I was Paris Hilton, too. But hey, I’m not.

Social Security and Welfare. Two programs I absolutely despise. We all know the history of social security. It wasn’t meant to go on forever, we were in a depression…blah blah blah. Get rid of it. I’m not going to work my ass off so that other people can take that money. I want to keep my money and invest it how I see fit. People can’t live on social security alone anyway. We’re all going to be saving for retirement,  why not leave it 100% to us? Ah! Because some people will fail. Some people will squander their money. And to that I say, not my problem.

It’s also not my job to take care of everyone else’s kids. If you can’t afford kids, don’t have them! It’s not that hard not to have a kid. Truly. I can tell you plenty of people who don’t have kids. I can also tell you plenty of people who didn’t intend on having kids, but still aren’t on welfare. I mean, to get welfare it’s like you have to actively do nothing! Jobs are out there. I understand nobody wants to be a janitor, but somtimes you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. There is no excuse for simply not working. The whole program needs to be taken down to foodstamps. Nothing but food stamps. Actually, now it has to be food credit cards because too many people would sell the foodstamps for drug money. ( a sure sign of a well designed and unabused program). People should not be rewarded for doing nothing.

Now…if you’re say, 19, working your ass off and just can’t make enough money to raise your kid or whatever, by all means you need, and deserve some help. But that help should be your last resort and temporary. Those people who work hard will be rewarded. No, they may not have a yacht or private jet, but they will not be depending on my taxes for the rest of their lives either.

I know, I sound like a bitch. But, people should take care of themselves and their own. Obviously, my parents take care of me, and if the situation ever arose, I would do everything I could for my parents or my brother even. But that’s my family. That’s the way it should be.

Personal Responsibility, that’s what it all boils down to. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family, and your responsibilities. Don’t ever count on somebody else doing everything (or anything) for you. Accept responsibility for yourself, your actions, and the consequences. The less dependant you are on the government, the less control they have over you.

Finally, everybody has the right to disagree with me, and the government, and  the President, and so on. And I’m sure some people do. Such is life. However, anybody dumb enough to say they’re not proud to be an American should not live here. Pack your bags and leave now. (Try France, i’m sure they’d love to take ya). Go anywhere you want, but don’t stay here. I would bet, after about 6 months, you’d be crawling back, begging to come back.